Kindness and Rage can coexist (and maybe it's necessary)

Even if you heart is kind you need rage to coexist in this cruel and horrid world. You need to embrace your manhood, your beautiful manhood that makes us feel like the thing that we are, a real man

Behind all this flesh and blood exist that gorgeous man that needs to be constructed. My roots are bleeding, and, ykw? I'm angry.

Because any of you could never understand having thirteen years old and crying in your room thinking that if you embrace yourself nobody wants you in that way, that your parents will be angry, mad or that even they don't want you in their lives after noticing that I was never her, that daughter. You could never understand why am I afraid of building bonds with people, to being so so uncomfortable with your body that you just want to dissapear... You could never never understand.

And most of my rage borns of my personal experience. Maybe I'm Resentful, but listening my dad doubting of my own transition because i am femenine (and creating struggles with my masculinity and femininity because, what really defines what's being a man?) Or people questioning my identity because I want to have beautiful long nails... Maybe I'm being so critical but why people is judging me only because my personal traits and my aesthetic decisions?

Why if I declare myself as a trans man people is chasing my own decisions such as this defines me as a "Man"? I'm tired of hiding but in my case I can't change physically (not yet). Clothing and operations are way too expensive (even if I have a top surgery on my plans, or a Falopio tubes cauterization , even buying clothes) and takes time; but I also know that if I came out without any physical change my parents would never believe me 

I have a kind heart that loves, a precious garden that is peacefully cared for me and the people that I want that enter into this little paradise; I love taking care of the people I care most. My friends and family that really really respect me. Because all of this rage isn't new. Is really really old. Because this is not only the rage of Matthew, with nineteen years old. Is the rage of Naethan, with thirteen, the rage of Noa, with seventeen, the rage of Calliope, with eighteen.

Is the rage of all the people that I was since I was thirteen. Is the uncomfortable feeling that I live when I told them I was trans and they just deliberately decides to treat me as a woman. Is the rage of never found a safe place to be myself or being judge a lot just because I don't want to leave my feminity behind